The Hobbit

I don't wanna wait...

Thursday, November 26, 2009

I don't wanna wait...
To start the journey.

I don't wanna wait...
To be thankful.

I don't wanna wait...
To be intimate with You.

I don't wanna wait...
To stop criticizing.

I don't wanna wait...
To enjoy the quiet.

I don't wanna wait...
To care for others.

I don't wanna wait...
To dream dreams.

I don't wanna wait...
To start learning.

I don't wanna wait...
To start obeying.

I don't wanna wait...
To start loving.

I don't wanna wait...
To start trusting.

I don't wanna wait...
Til' I am unafraid.

I don't wanna wait...
To live in the moment

I don't wanna wait...
For my life to begin.

I want to LIVE!
So help me God.

Reflections from Cambodia

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I wasn't really sure what to expect. But it was unexpectedly... touching.
I think the entire trip consisted of meeting such extraordinarily interesting people, I was just so amazed. I don't know why I did not expect that...

One of the first few places we visited was the Genocide Museum and the Killing Fields. The museum was pretty interesting, but depressing, of course. I tried walking among the "cells" that the inmates were detained in. Not only do you feel claustrophobic, but there's this feeling that if you peer into the cells, you'll find someone, just skin and bones curled up on the floor.

The Killing Fields was a totally different. I'm not sure how the others felt, but I think it was probably quite different for them. Now I know the Killing Fields ought to be a place that feels depressing due to the violence and cruelty that was shown to the Khmer people, but when I saw the place, I saw a lot of greenery. There were trees and grass that grew over the mass burial grounds. It was quiet and felt rather peaceful.

I couldn't help but think that truly God is an awesome God. That He should take a thing that was ugly and tainted, filled with the stench and memory of death, and give it beauty and life. The grass that grows over the sunken ground that was meant to bury the dead showed me that truly His Life has conquered even death.

We took a boat ride through a floating village called Kampong Phluk. Beautiful place. Just enjoyed the cruise, looked at the lotus plants, and the mangrove. Took some time to be still on the waters.

As we were going back, we stopped at the floating village to have lunch. It was the most delicious fish I've ever tasted! But God had a more important lesson to teach me than where to get good fish. =)

There was a blackboard at the "restaurant" which had the title 'Dictation' written on it. A friend of mine, who has written a very beautiful piece on what a beauty pageant in heaven would look like, asked the boy who was serving us if he could dictate, and the boy would write. With much enthusiasm, the boy said 'Yes!'.
So our friend taught him a song. 'I've got peace like a river'.

When he encountered a word he didn't know, or didn't understand, he whipped out a dictionary, much to our surprise! We later found out how it came to be that some of the children in this kampung could speak English so well. It's one of the projects under the UNDP, and they come every few months to teach English. And some of the members who come from YMCA Singapore know Lucy, who was part of our party of 6 during this trip. And this boy from the fishing village, Veasna, knows some of these individuals from Singapore. The smallness of the world reminds me of the bigness of my God. And how much smaller is one single human, and yet, He knows each and every one of us. Even 11-year old boys in small fishing villages.

O Lord, our Lord,
How majestic is Your name in all the earth [including Kampong Phluk]!
... when I consider Your heavens,
the work of Your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place,
what is man that you are mindful of him,
the son of man that you care for him?
[and yet,] You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings
and crowned him with glory and honour.
- Psalm 8:1, 3-5 -

Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Where can I flee from Your Presence?
If I go up to the heavens, You are there;
If I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
If I settle on the far side of the sea,
Even there your hand will guide me,
Your right hand will hold me fast....
[I can scarcely believe that] You created my inmost being;
You knit me together in my mother's womb.
- Psalm 139: 7-10, 13 -

We also met a beautiful hawker-stall waitress who sells the most delectable jack fruit shake, who really DOES remember you. (She could recall what one of our friends ordered the night before). A very handsome dancer (who used to work in a hotel front desk) in the cultural village who speaks fluent Mandarin. (He told us the best spot to sit for the show so that we would be sitting under the fan). We also met a French man who lost his eyesight due to an accident a year ago. He used to be a 3D motion graphics animator. He knows Kanji and thinks he's pretty lucky. (How many of us would be able to say that if we had been rendered blind?) He now manages the business although he cannot design, and has created job opportunities for those who are physically disabled, but have the necessary skills to become graphic animators.

A friend enlightened me as to what makes the human voice truly unique from any other instrument in the world. And taught me that a wise person learns to tell the difference, not otherwise. That I must be specific. And made me question whether what I do, whatever that may be, is done in love. Most of all, this friend makes me ashamed. Ashamed of my own cowardice. Wherever he goes, he brings Life so easily.

Oh, that it were so easy for me!

Lord, help me to be brave.
Brave enough to move out of the middle ground.
Brave enough to say 'hello'.
Brave enough to not settle for the status quo.
Brave enough to love You.
To truly love You.
Lord, help me to be brave.

WHO KNOWS AS HE OUGHT TO KNOW?

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

The man who thinks he knows something does not yet know as he ought to know. But the man who loves God is known by God.

On Writing

Sunday, November 09, 2008

A writer I know said, "Keep writing. Even if it's just rubbish, just keep writing".

So, forgive me if a lot of rubbish comes out in this post, but I just feel I need to "keep writing" before I go insane. Ever felt like that? No time to reflect, and so it all just sorta "comes out" in your blog posts.

Let's go back a bit to the "no time" part. I find it increasingly hard to take the time to reflect. A friend told me you can't make time. Only God can do that, so you gotta take the time. I don't know about you, but have you ever felt, when you REALLY don't wanna take a good look at yourself, you fill your time with movies, going out, exercising, reading, blogging, talking, meeting up with old friends, and hey! whaddya know, you've got no time left! The rest of the time is working, eating, sleeping and travelling, of course.

I read a book that was sharing about a lady who guarded her time with God jealously. JEALOUSLY! Wow... I wanna have that discipline. And yet, I dread it. Can I bear to look at myself, to just be who I am? To look myself in the eye, and acknowledge that I really, truly am a wretched being?

Deep down inside, I KNOW that I'm unworthy. That's what makes it difficult to receive grace. I don't have much trouble receiving something I earned or deserve. It's when I know I don't deserve it. Some may say, it's such a privilege. And of course it is. I can't fully explain how come it's so difficult for me to receive grace. I'm sure some can accept it readily. I have my moments as well. Guess this current season just isn't one of them.

And all the while, I'm hating my job and loving it at the same time. (The children are really cute).
Of course it's meaningful work. But shouldn't all jobs be? All work is ministry, right? What's wrong with doing what you like? It doesn't have to be confined to churchy stuff to be meaningful, right?

I think the problem is that I don't feel like my LIFE is very meaningful at the moment. Sorry, let me rephrase that. I think my life doesn't FEEL very meaningful at the moment. And of course the tendency is to blame my job, coz that's the thing I dread the most at the present time. But as it stands, everything else in my life is a mess. My emotions, my thoughts, things in church (confusion sets in as I've kinda got one leg in each church at the moment), friends, boundaries, my relationship with God.

What have I done to You? Or rather, what have I done WITH You? Have I allowed you to feature in my life? Or am I trying to be the star of my own show? Have I nurtured our relationship? The way a man does with His wife? Have I taken initiative in knowing You more and more? Sigh... Where am I? What am I doing? When my life ends, what shall I say to You? I really tried hard to do the work you wanted me to do? Somehow I don't think that will really be of interest to You.

I was blessed by this song today. It reflects my feelings well.
I thank God for His grace and creativity in this friend to have written it and bless myself and others.

I Want To Want To - Markus Ng

God I don't know, I don't know
I really want to, but it doesn't show
My projections, my convictions
Muddled mess, so much confusion
I don't know,
I don't know.

What do I say when You've heard it all
Excuses, lies, remorse, more lies
Yet still I dare to mouth them words
I'm sorry for how much it hurts and disappoints

I'm not perfect, but I'm gonna try
Seek the truth and apply
I want to honestly repent
Give you my 100%

I want to want to love You
As You love me too
I want to want to live life
As You'd want me to
I want to want to honour You
More than anything I want to want to

I'm not there yet, but I'm trying
Pushing on, oh I'm striving
Wait for me, I'm arriving
So help me God
So help me God.

I'm Back

Monday, August 04, 2008

I think it's about time I came back to redeem my blog. Sigh... I've missed writing. There's so much to tell. But I'm not sure who there is to tell it to. The few readers that I have probably have stopped reading. But it's ok. It's my space.

Well, let's start alphabetically. Church.
Not sure where I wanna go anymore. But at the moment, I'm attending SIB.
I sometimes wonder how come I'm attending SIB. I was brought up in an Anglican church. Man... and SIB is about as charismatic as it gets. All the happy-clappy ppl are there. Weirdly enough, the senior pastors of SIB are from the brethren church. Hehe...

Family. Well, we've moved to subang. Still trying to adjust. I do so hate traffic jams. I think the family's doin alright. Usual Sunday family meetings. Tuesday dinners.

Love life. Non-existent.
I'm cool with it though. I notice that I occasionally crave male attention, though. But at least I'm aware, so I can guard my heart and my mind.

Work. I love the children. That's about it.
I hate the fact that the centre is so far. I hate the fact that my job pays me peanuts. I hate having more financial responsibility just because I have a steady income. Sigh... growing up, at this point in my life, is not a process I enjoy.
__________________________________________________

On a side note: SIB is doing 40 days of prayer and fasting using Give me 40 days by Freeda Bowers, as well as the NECF pray and fast for Malaysia this month.

You know how ppl always quote "by His stripes, I am healed"? Yeah well, would you guys PLEASE read in context???? What is the Bible really saying??

Let's look at it.

1 Peter 2:22-24
22(AT) He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. 23(AU) When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten,(AV) but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly. 24(AW) He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we(AX) might die to sin and(AY) live to righteousness.(AZ) By his wounds you have been healed. (ESV)

Hello!!!!!!! It's about being reconciled to God because of Christ's sacrifice! Not about receiving physical healing, or proclaiming with the authority of Christ that you are entitled to have a healthy, happy, prosperous life.

Sigh... so with regards to the 40 days of prayer, well, the enthusiasm has died. How can I see this as a covenant time between me and God when the stuff that comes out of the book is biblically inaccurate?

Well, I've learned to recognize, that this is one of the 'lows' of life. I'm just starting to feel it more because I have no identity, no support from a particular church. I feel so stranded. Is it wrong to want to have leaders you can support? Or should we always be content with who is serving, and console ourselves with the fact that all have sinned and have fallen short of the glory of God?

Dance. Well, that's another kettle of fish altogether. Maybe another day.
Now, I need sleep.

Another year come and gone

Friday, March 28, 2008

Well, it's just another year.
Is it normal for people to have less fun on their birthdays as they get older?
Or maybe it's just rotten timing. Who wants to have their birthday on Easter?
Kinda sad, ain't it?
But ah well, I should count myself lucky. Pity the fellas who are born on 29th February.

But then again, it could just be the fact I've turned 23. More of a sobering fact than a reason to celebrate. Time to grow up, right?

I wanna get out of here. I need my space. Ever felt so claustrophobic even though the whole house is empty? I want to be independent. I want my own kitchen. My own room. It's not that I don't like people, and it's not that I wanna party hard. But I want the option. If my lifestyle is going to be anything like Adelaide, I'll probably be a very good girl who stays home and does her laundry every week, cooks most of her meals, and cleans her room. But I want to have a place where my friends don't feel uncomfortable. A place to just chill out. Does that make sense? Is it weird to want freedom and independence in a collectivistic culture such as ours?

Sigh... unemployment. It sure is no fun. As much as I know chasing after riches will lead only to ruin, I can't help but wish I had the money to do as I please. I don't love money itself. But I love what money can buy. And I hate that I do.

A year on... and this is where I am. Nowhere.

Just A Thought

Monday, March 10, 2008

I was having one of those moments.
You know... those daydreaming moments. In which you often dream about things that seem so impossible.
I actually had this thought quite some time ago. But it re-occurred to me as I was driving to church yesterday morning.

The traffic on Sunday mornings is fantastic! Usually the weather's great as well. The perfect time to drive. Coz there's so little traffic! Then it hit me that that's such a sad thing!

Shouldn't I hope that more people go to church? Shouldn't I hope that there'll be such an outpouring of people wanting to know Jesus, that they're fighting to get a parking space? Wouldn't that be the most fantastic kind of traffic jam ever??!!??

And hopefully, by that time, Jon Foo would've set up a Malaysian Christian radio channel, and everyone's listening in. You can just roll down your windows, and talk to the people in the car next to you. Sing the songs together! Or just have a chat. Even better, if they're non-Christians! Hahahah! Be a witness for Christ! Drive considerately! Oh, stop me now! Tell me I'm dreaming of the impossible! But who knows, eh? I say anything is possible, with the Lord Emmanuel (God with us).