Don't you just...?
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Don't you just hate it when things don't turn out the way you want them to?
The tiramisu I made came out with the cheese too soft coz the new fridge isn't cold enough.
AND my NEW springform pan is cacat, and has created spillage from my chocolate mud cake.
It's sooooo frustrating!!!!! And it's not just baking. In life, when things don't go your way, or things don't happen at the desired time, isn't it just soooooo annoying????
AAARGGHHHH!!!! God, I never prayed for you to make me more patient!
See, if you actually asked God to teach you to be patient, you'll be right smack in a situation where someone/something will irritate the s*** out of you. Heh. Be careful what you wish for, man.
I'm not asking for too much, right? I just want my cakes to turn out perfectly. Well.. and to find a husband of great character, and to have enough money for life, and to not have to experience the annoying "torn-between-two-worlds" feeling. Hee.
As you can see, this is a syok-sendiri post. =p
Sydney once more
Thursday, July 05, 2007
So, I find myself in Sydney yet again. 3 times in one year, I think that's pretty crazy. Considering I don't really fancy the city anyway. But it's alright. Maybe God will change my mind. Although I find that hard to imagine at this point in time.
So I come one big round in a very emotional fortnight. And what has happened? Too much and too little. Long story short, there are visa complications, and the only feasible option right now is to go home for a few months and start bible college in February. Who knows? Maybe God will make me wait 40 years in the desert before coming into the promised land. I've been forced to change my plans so many times in the last couple of weeks, that I just want to throw in the towel. I'm like, God, whatever la. You do what You wanna do. I'm too tired to do anything already. Seriously. When YOU have made a decision, then You tell me, ok? I'm done trying to figure You out.
*Jeng jeng jeng*
C'mon, Qian!!!!!! You're supposed to surrender already!!!! That was like, a month ago!!! What happened??? Faster la! Just give in only...
So now, I come to a new question. What is it to truly surrender? And not only that, I'm beginning to question whether I'm acting based on what I've heard from God, or what *I think* I've heard from God. Where does God actually begin and the voice in my head stop? I just figured that if it was a good thing, and I did that good thing with pure motives, God would be cool with it.
You know, some people get the thing wrong, so they gotta change direction. And some get the timing wrong, so they gotta wait. How did I manage to screw up both timing AND direction AT THE SAME TIME? So, God, are you telling me to go slow? to grow? or are You just plain outright saying "NO"? I would like to think that this is the right thing, but maybe I've got it all wrong. It's very clearly the wrong time because all the odds are against me.
O Lord, grant me Your peace, which passes all understanding. I'm begging You to hear my cry.
1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.
Yes, Lord, You are good to me.
I will remember.
I will hope.
Maybe, I'll see my rainbow today.
The courage to change
Sunday, July 01, 2007
Had an interesting chat with the housemates the other day. Girls are often confused about what men really want. And I'm sure the opposite is true as well. But in actual fact, it's very simple. Men want the best of both worlds. They want the sweet, gentle, submissive girl, who is a bad, bad girl in the bedroom. True? True. At least, that is what I understand from all the guys I've spoken to about it.
There's a whole long argument about whether girls are really good or bad, and I'm not gonna go into that. But I'll speak from my own humble experience (or lack of it). The thing is, I'd rather not lie about who I am, what I am, or how I feel. I'm not a holy-moly, goody-goody two shoes. I like to think of myself as "real". So I'm not gonna act all innocent and naive.
Does that make me bad? I suppose to a certain extent it does. But do I want to come across that way? Not really. I was mortified the other day, when my housemate said, "You're a virgin???" Like it was the most surprising thing ever, and I'm like, "What did I ever do to make you think otherwise?!?!?" *faints*
I can have an honest, open conversation about sex. But how does that translate into "I don't think she's a virgin"? I'm not blaming anyone here, but I'm quite disturbed. What kind of character do I display if I'm giving out this impression?
So what do I do? Do I keep quiet and not talk about sex at all? I think that may give a "holier-than-thou" kind of impression. And I want to be able to relate to other people. But at what expense? At the expense of my reputation? Do I think that this is a wise and healthy practice?
The truth is, I'm not holier than anyone. In fact, I'm probably "worse" than a lot of people. I've made my share of mistakes. But I don't want to remain this way. I want to be a woman of honour and integrity. Sigh... I hope I find a man one day, who won't be interested because I'm "sweet" or "sexy", but because I am a woman whose character would blow him away. To be a woman who is noble and wise, kind and generous, hardworking and gentle. A woman who has inner beauty and strength, and one who fears the Lord. Maybe when I can be that woman, I'll find my man.
But for now, perhaps I should be silent. For even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue (Proverbs 17:28).