Sunday, November 09, 2008
A writer I know said, "Keep writing. Even if it's just rubbish, just keep writing".
So, forgive me if a lot of rubbish comes out in this post, but I just feel I need to "keep writing" before I go insane. Ever felt like that? No time to reflect, and so it all just sorta "comes out" in your blog posts.
Let's go back a bit to the "no time" part. I find it increasingly hard to take the time to reflect. A friend told me you can't make time. Only God can do that, so you gotta take the time. I don't know about you, but have you ever felt, when you REALLY don't wanna take a good look at yourself, you fill your time with movies, going out, exercising, reading, blogging, talking, meeting up with old friends, and hey! whaddya know, you've got no time left! The rest of the time is working, eating, sleeping and travelling, of course.
I read a book that was sharing about a lady who guarded her time with God jealously. JEALOUSLY! Wow... I wanna have that discipline. And yet, I dread it. Can I bear to look at myself, to just be who I am? To look myself in the eye, and acknowledge that I really, truly am a wretched being?
Deep down inside, I KNOW that I'm unworthy. That's what makes it difficult to receive grace. I don't have much trouble receiving something I earned or deserve. It's when I know I don't deserve it. Some may say, it's such a privilege. And of course it is. I can't fully explain how come it's so difficult for me to receive grace. I'm sure some can accept it readily. I have my moments as well. Guess this current season just isn't one of them.
And all the while, I'm hating my job and loving it at the same time. (The children are really cute).
Of course it's meaningful work. But shouldn't all jobs be? All work is ministry, right? What's wrong with doing what you like? It doesn't have to be confined to churchy stuff to be meaningful, right?
I think the problem is that I don't feel like my LIFE is very meaningful at the moment. Sorry, let me rephrase that. I think my life doesn't FEEL very meaningful at the moment. And of course the tendency is to blame my job, coz that's the thing I dread the most at the present time. But as it stands, everything else in my life is a mess. My emotions, my thoughts, things in church (confusion sets in as I've kinda got one leg in each church at the moment), friends, boundaries, my relationship with God.
What have I done to You? Or rather, what have I done WITH You? Have I allowed you to feature in my life? Or am I trying to be the star of my own show? Have I nurtured our relationship? The way a man does with His wife? Have I taken initiative in knowing You more and more? Sigh... Where am I? What am I doing? When my life ends, what shall I say to You? I really tried hard to do the work you wanted me to do? Somehow I don't think that will really be of interest to You.
I was blessed by this song today. It reflects my feelings well.
I thank God for His grace and creativity in this friend
to have written it and bless myself and others.
I Want To Want To - Markus Ng
God I don't know, I don't know
I really want to, but it doesn't show
My projections, my convictions
Muddled mess, so much confusion
I don't know,
I don't know.
What do I say when You've heard it all
Excuses, lies, remorse, more lies
Yet still I dare to mouth them words
I'm sorry for how much it hurts and disappoints
I'm not perfect, but I'm gonna try
Seek the truth and apply
I want to honestly repent
Give you my 100%
I want to want to love You
As You love me too
I want to want to live life
As You'd want me to
I want to want to honour You
More than anything I want to want to
I'm not there yet, but I'm trying
Pushing on, oh I'm striving
Wait for me, I'm arriving
So help me God
So help me God.