What's up, World?
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
I guess I should put up something since I've "disappeared" for so long.
Well, what can I say? I've started work. Just some temporary work to tide me over til I get an answer from SMBC. Hopefully that will be soon.
So, Davin is leaving tonight. =( Oh well... I may see him soon enough. Maybe. =p
Anyways, life is... well, as interesting as it could get, I suppose. I think the question that plagues us all when we start working is, "What on earth am I doing here?" At this point, I have to ask whether I'm fulfilling my purpose in life. I thought I had such a clear idea about what I wanted to do. I suppose I could be doing something more in line with what I wanna do.
Ooh, which reminds me. A lot of you have asked me what I wanna do when I graduate, and why I want to go to bible college. Well, look no further than here
. This is just a short description of the type of organization I wanna work in. Fortunately, there's a home in Sydney, which I hope to liaise with while I'm studying.
I know I've had a couple of depressing posts lately. Well, I've decided that I'm gonna stop being depressed. For now, at least. I really do believe in the power of choice. We choose who we wanna be. And yeah, I guess you can't choose your emotions. But you can choose not to let them control you. =)
Ok, on to the next thing that has been on my mind for a couple of weeks. So, some of you may know that I've been struggling with the issue of grace. So, I cleverly went and bought myself a book called "What's so amazing about grace?" by Philip Yancey. It's proven to be quite good so far. =) Just some quotes I've "stolen" from the book."God has granted us a terrible agency: by denying forgiveness to others, we are in effect determining them unworthy of God's forgiveness, and thus so are we. In some mysterious way, divine forgiveness depends on us." (p.88). "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." (Matthew 6:14-15).
"But the very word forgive contains the word "give" (just as the word pardon contains the donum or gift). Like grace, forgiveness has about it the maddening quality of being undeserved, unmerited, unfair. (p. 88) "Only the experience of being forgiven makes it possible for us to forgive." (p.90).
Romans 12:19 says, "
Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"says the Lord.""Forgiveness is an act of faith. By forgiving another, I am trusting that God is a better justice-maker than I am. By forgiving, I release my own right to get even and leave all issues of fairness for God to work out." (p.93) "A cease fire between human beings depends on a cease-fire with God." (p.93)
Yancey takes a passage from Henri Nouwen, which I find reflects my own nature.
"I have often said, "I forgive you," but even as I said these words my heart remained angry or resentful. I still wanted to hear the story that tells me that I was right after all; I still wanted to hear apologies and excuses; I still wanted the satisfaction of receiving some praise in return - if only the praise for being so forgiving! But God's forgiveness is unconditional; it comes from a heart that does not demand anything for itself, a heart that is completely empty of self-seeking. It is this divine forgiveness that I have to practice in my daily life. It calls me to keep stepping over all my arguments that say forgiveness is unwise, unhealthy, and impractical. It challenges me to step over all my needs for gratitude and compliments. Finally, it demands of me that I step over that wounded part of my heart that feels hurt and wronged and that wants tot stay in control and put a few conditions between me and the one whom I am asked to forgive." (p.92)
So, what am I writing all this for? Well, the issue of grace often starts with forgiveness. "We forgive not merely to fulfill some higher law of morality' we do it for ourselves... When we genuinely forgive, we set a prisoner free and then discover that the prisoner we set free was us." (p.100).
I think the main issue I have is not that I need to extend so much grace to others. I have been blessed in that I've not been wronged in such a horrible manner. No, rather I feel I need to extend more grace to myself. It sounds so weird. But after all that's been said and done... I still find the hardest person to forgive is yourself. You look for forgiveness from the people you've wronged, from neutral parties, anyone who would listen. You know that God forgives all who truly repent. And to deny yourself forgiveness would cheapen God's gift. In essence, you're really saying that His sacrifice is not good enough to forgive your sins. At the very heart of forgiveness and grace is, faith.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
I don't know how else to describe what I feel.
It's like I'm going through the break-up all over again.
How many of you know that I hate being alone? Yeah, I guess most of you know that by now.
I really HATE this feeling of loneliness. Maybe more than the loneliness itself is how unhappy being alone makes you feel.
What am I doing this for????????????????
Why put up boundaries and bother being a person of principle when it makes me so miserable??????????????
Sigh.... Oh Lord.... give me eyes to see what You see.
I could be happy. But temporarily. When will I truly be contented? When will I get over him????? ='(
I want to run away. Just curl up and die.
Sigh... I know I'm being an idiot. But... I thought the worst was over. Now I'm discovering that it's just begun. Now, I'm REALLY alone. No one to turn to. No where to hide. It's just me. And the gaping emptiness inside. Oh, when will I learn? When will I know? Lord, reveal Yourself to me.
C'MON GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't come all this way for nothing!!!!! *Bangs fist on table* I REFUSE to believe that You are not here, and that You are going to abandon me. WHERE got such thing??? Just because I don't feel You, doesn't mean that You're not there. Help my unbelief.
I keep thinking I wanna find love. It's coz I want to feel something warm and fuzzy. But true love isn't a feeling. True love is a verb. An action. Love is a choice.
What I really need is to PERSEVERE. Man... it's hard to continue to work hard, to have faith and to press on, ESPECIALLY when everything else around you tells you that you're an idiot. Maybe God REALLY is gonna make me wait 40 years in the desert. Man... I don't think I can wait so long wei. *C'mon, Qian.... TRUST*
Ok, that's it la. I can't pretend I'm ok. I'm not. I really feel like crap. I know I should have moved on. I know that I should have faith. I know that I should persevere. I know that God will prevail. But AT THIS MOMENT, I really feel like the pain is never going to end. All I want to do is bash my fist into the wall to release endorphins to help me deal with the pain. I want to cry. I want to release all this pent-up frustration. It's not like I'm trying to be something I'm not. I'm not pretending. I really do believe in those things above. But I'm also human. And all my human-ness is crying out for someone. People who die, who I'm not that close to causes me to cry buckets of tears because it reminds me of loss. Pavarotti. I'm not remotely close to the guy! I hardly even listen to his music. But to know that he's gone, woosh! Suddenly I'm flooded with emotions. Everything within me just wants to bash someone... crush something... run till I collapse. And MAYBE at the end of that, I'll find the release I've been looking for.
Grace vs. Manpower
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Where does one draw the line between accepting grace, and deliberately choosing not to sin? If I choose not to sin, does that mean I haven't fully accepted grace? Or do I just accept that I will always sin? But I can't use God's grace, and my own sinful nature to take away the responsibility of keeping my actions in line.
"Notice how God is both kind and severe. He is severe toward those who disobeyed, but kind to you if you continue to trust in his kindness. But if you stop trusting, you also will be cut off" (Romans 11: 22). How freaky is that thought??? If I don't believe/accept God's grace, and try to take on my own burden, I'm gonna be cut off from Him. Man... either way, I have no choice. I gotta believe that God is gonna redeem me, and will continue to do so.
To all in Adelaide, hello!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I miss you all!!!!!!! Malaysia is... hot. But not suffocatingly so. It's been raining quite a bit. Life is... strange without you guys. I have such a big change in my routine now. Although I hope it doesn't quite stay this way. In Oz, I go to church for 2 services, and class once a week. I go to OCF, and prayer meeting. So much of my life revolves around Christian activity. It's good. I like it. But now, I feel there's so little of that kind of activity here. I need to keep myself busy. It's been less than a week, but already I feel frustrated.
I wonder where this is all going...