It's a lonesome number. _______________________________________________________
Just when I think that I can't possibly be stripped of anything else, when I think that I've been stretched to my limit, God rips off another piece, another layer that I'm clutching onto with dear life. I feel like Eustace when he was a dragon, slowly scratching, peeling off a layer of skin at a time, and Aslan says, "I will have to clean you". And when he rips off the thick folds of dragon-skin, the pain is excruciating, causing Eustace to scream in agony. Yeah, well, it feels something like that.
I think that because my greatest fear is loneliness, God is slowly stripping me of my security blankets. Chiam, family, the sisterhood, Yang. I thought that I was doing fine without a boyfriend. But after Yang's departure, I see now that I am still afraid. Fill the void. That's what I do best. Find a friend, a crush, a hobby. ANYTHING.
So now, I come to a crossroad. What do I do? Now that I know what God's answer is about the internship, my other option in Adelaide is PCOM. And I don't feel inclined to go to Paradise for some reason. Maybe it's the pre-conceived ideas I have about it. Maybe it's the fact that it's where Planetshakers was founded. So, my other options are: 1)go home; 2)go to Sydney.
Option 1 is tempting. But I don't feel my time in Australia is up just yet. Let's be honest, aight? My spiritual life has had many ups and downs. And I feel Edge has helped enhance my growth and my relationship with Christ a lot. But I don't want my relationship with God to be dependant on my location or the friends I'm surrounded with. The God I know here is the same God that is living and working in KL. I want to make sure that I develop skills, and increase my knowledge of Him that I may constantly be passionate about God and His people when I go back to KL. That's where bible college comes in.
Option 2 is just plain scary. It's expensive. Do I really want my parents to still pay for my education? Will I be able get a job and hold it down? What are people going to say? Will they think that I'm only going there because Paula recommended it? What about the cost of living? How long more do I wanna be a student? On the other hand, bible colleges in Sydney have better reviews. Mercy Ministries is there. BUT.... I'll be alone. Like, ALONE alone. I only know of two friends who are staying in Sydney. (Paula, Ben & Makenna count as one).
NO, GOD, NO!!!!! I cannot take anymore!!!!
I heard a very soft and gentle whisper.
And the voice which spoke said, "I am there".
WAH!!!!!!! *floodgates opened*
I heard another whisper. "Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart and lean NOT on YOUR OWN understanding, in ALL your ways, acknowledge Him and He WILL make your path straight".
Remember what I told you, Qian? I know the plans that I have for you. Plans to give you a hope and a future. You know that I will be with you until the very end of the age. Trust me. You can call on me for help and I WILL hear your cry. I promise. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be scared; do not be discouraged, for I will be with you wherever you go. I helped you to be single again, didn't I? I helped you to live in Adelaide without your family. It's ok. I PROMISE that I will walk with you every step of the way. Nothing can happen to you without my permission. Ok?
Ok. *sniff sniff* _______________________________________________________
So have I decided? Yes and no.
I have decided that I will do what God asks me to do. Or permits to happen. The life that I've built in Adelaide is not by my own doing. He blessed me with it. I LITERALLY have nothing to call my own. No money to my name, no car, no house, no boyfriend. Nothing. So, I graduate with nothing but my degree. That also only if I graduate. Will I make plans to go to Sydney? Yes. Unless God gives me a very clear sign that I should stay, I will make plans to go.
Am I comfortable in Adelaide? You bet I am. But God is not concerned with my comfort as much as He is about my character. Will it be uncomfortable in Sydney? I'm pretty sure it will be. Am I scared? Heh. *FREAK-OUT!!!* But...
"perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid... we have not fully experienced his perfect love" - 1 John 4:18
I had meant to write you a proper letter by hand, but with the chaos of exams, and your swift departure, I had no chance to do so. I thought, "maybe I'll write one and wait for him to come back before giving it to him". But I think the emotions would not be the same.
I just wanted to thank you. For being an amazing friend to me. You have a heart that is both kind and generous, though your bank account may not always allow you to be so. =p (Quit smoking, dude!) =D You have been a blessing not just to me, but all...ok, most of us in the house. Before you even left, we started missing you already. Gushes of poetry and home-cooked meals, our retarded way of telling you that we love you. Curses for getting to eat Malaysian food are for real though. =p
Who woulda thought we'd miss you this much? You see? Stupid Yang. You have gotten under our skin. Who asked you???? Hmph! >.< You've created a void in each member of our family here at the-house-so-freaking-near-to-uni-that-after-awhile-you-feel-campus-is-so- far-even-though-it's-less-than-two-minutes-walk-away. What're we going to do without you now? The weird thing is, I'm not even really sure what you did, man. Make a few coffees, smoke a couple of cigarettes, listen to all of us whine, walk the dogs reluctantly, eat tons of instant noodles and *BOOM* you've won a place in our hearts. Man... are we easy or what?
So Yang, thank you. For making our lives here in quiet Adelaide so much more memorable. We toast our iced cappucinos, and the leftover chips from Magill BBQ in rememberance of you. =) Yes, we shall miss YOU, the Piglet-toting man, and not your PS3. Life at 17C+D will not be the same without you. We will not be the same without you.
Much love, From us to you.
p.s. I noticed that this is the first time that you didn't say "Damn, I should've studied" after every paper. =D We're growing up, man! p.p.s. Dan says: f*ck you, yang. I don't miss you. I am jantan. By the powers of gray-skull, I have the power!!!! HE-MAN! p.p.p.s. Jon says: ....
So, it appears that I can't do the internship program at Edge Church. Apparently I can't extend my visa based on that course, so... if I were to do it, it would be illegal. Heh. I was actually really upset about it. I knew that there was a possibility I wouldn't be able to do it, so I was aware of the situation. But I was still hoping.
Couple of weeks back, I seemed to have so many options, I didn't know what to do with them. I prayed to God that He would shut the door on whichever was not in His will. I prayed and asked, believing God would do His thing, and everything would be ok. I thought that I could surrender, and be able to accept that whatever the outcome was, it was God's will.
Before I even woke up this morning, the song 'I surrender all' was playing in my head. *Lightbulb goes off in Qian's head even though she's still sleeping* I was like, man... You're such a hypocrite, Qian. You thought that you could surrender the outcome to God, but when God actually gives you the answer, you're unhappy with it. I didn't want God's answer. I wanted God to give me MY answer. I wanted God to say, yes, go to Edge. Do the internship. But that's not surrendering His will. That's imposing my will on God. (This is where I have to question whether I'm reading the same Bible as everyone else). It's not MY kingdom come, MY will be done, on earth as it SHOULD be in heaven. It's YOUR kingdom come, YOUR WILL BE DONE, on earth as it IS in heaven.
So, I will be joyful. I will be thankful that God closed that door. Because if I had chosen to do it anyway, it would not have been in God's will. And I want to be in God's will. *Plus it would be illegal, and I'd probably have my butt kicked back to Malaysia*
*Edit* Sermon notes from 13/06/07: - Getting what you ask for may not be what's best for your future. - God will give me the right answer even if it's not the answer that I want.
If you ask for the wrong thing at the wrong time, God says 'No' If you ask for the right thing at the wrong time, God says 'Slow' If you ask for the wrong thing at the right time, God says 'Grow' If you ask for the right thing at the right time, God says 'Go'
"The final irony is this --- when we submit to the will of God it is for our own good. It is to be truly alive. When Jesus submitted to the Cross, there was pain yes, but the Cross was the pathway to Glory and to the blessing of many. We do not lose when we ask the Lord what He expects of us. And obey...Trust and obey. It's still our best move." - Tan, S.I. (2007). ________________________________________________________ No, it's not the hymn version. Go ahead and listen.
All to Jesus I surrender All to Him I freely give I will ever love and trust Him In His presence daily live
CHORUS: I surrender all, I surrender all All to Thee, my blessed Savior I surrender all
And all to Jesus I surrender Humbly at His feet I bow Worldly pleasures all forsaken Take me Jesus, take me now
Lord I give to You, all I ever had And everything I was, and everything I am And now I lay it down, I lay it at Your feet To Your grace, to Your power I surrender all
Lord, I give myself to Thee Fill me with Thy love and power Let Thy blessing fall on me
I see the King of Glory Coming down with clouds with fire The whole earth shakes The whole earth shakes
I see his love and mercy Washing over all our sins The people sing The people sing
Hosanna, Hosanna Hosanna in the Highest
I see a generation Rising up to take their place With selfless faith With selfless faith
I see a near revival Stirring as we pray and seek We're on our knees We're on our knees
Hosanna, Hosanna Hosanna in the Highest
Heal my heart and make it clean Open up my eyes to the things unseen Show me how to love like You have loved me Break my heart for what breaks yours Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause As I walk from earth into eternity
Ever seen a couple together, and you say, "that girl/guy is so lucky to have so and so"?
Yeah, me too.
What we really mean is, "How come they can get and I can't? What does he/she have that I don't?". Or even worse, 'That guy/girl can do better'. Which of course really means "I deserve someone like that. Not him/her".
Who died and made us God, eh? Are we so perfect ourselves? I'm certainly far from it. No matter which way you wanna look at it, we all have a bit of a superiority complex. We think we're better than everyone else. Unfortunately, most Americans take this to the extreme. =p (just kidding). We think that the world owes us something. Guess there's no need to tell you that the world doesn't revolve around you, eh? Hope you've figured that out by now. GUYS: PAY ATTENTION! THE UNIVERSE DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOU!!!!
Right, back to my point. So yeah, let's say you have a friend who has a wonderful significant other. Should we not be glad for that individual? Instead we bitch about how unfair the world is. Now think about the good things that happened to you. Instead of being thankful, we credit that to our own merit. "I DESERVED *insert good thing here*". Now, whether you make that publicly known, or whether it happens in your sub-conscious, it most probably does happen. So there's no need to justify it. I do it too.
In the grand scheme of things, all of us have it good. All of us got something that we don't deserve, and He got something that He didn't deserve either. That's grace.
The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"
Bet you've never heard a "Pink Panther" like this before. =)
Mucho gracias to Aaron for introducing me to Bobby McFerrin! Go youtube all his other stuff, man! I'm telling you, you won't regret it! This man can go from classical, to jazz, to reggae to whatever. He's crazy! Check out his "Ave Maria" and "Bach" together! So uber-cool! _________________________________________________________________________________
In other news, well, at the moment, there isn't any. =p Just looking forward to the end of the semester. Sigh...
Welcome to this hobbit's habitat. Yes, I am short, but I don't have furry feet, ok? thank you very much. I love to sing, and dance. Love coffee, and music (anything but heavy metal). Please leave comments!!!