I am....
Thursday, April 26, 2007

In the past week, I've discovered that I'm:
- Selfish
- Self-absorbed
- Negative
- Not a very good listener

In the past week, I've been called:
- a hypocrite
- a person living in denial
- emotional
- a busy-body
- fake
- irritating
- an exaggerator
- someone who doesn't lead by example
- over-religious
- someone who tries too hard
- ridiculous
- someone who makes ppl turn from Christ
- sensitive
- a liar
- someone who bases other ppl's relationships on my past failures
- a complainer

That's quite a lot of things to be called in a week. =)
Makes one think hard about the kind of person she really is, if she's giving others this impression.
Some have truth in it. Don't get me wrong. I'm probably a bit of all those things said above.
I must, at this point, state that I value honesty.
And I'm grateful for people who have chosen to be upfront with me.
"Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but the enemy multiplies kisses." - Proverbs 27:6

"A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity" - Proverbs 17:17

"An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips" - Proverbs 24:26

Neither am I saying that I'm not wounded. For surely the truth will sting.
But there are other truths, which do not come from the lips of man.

I know what I am.

I am a sinner.
I am forgiven.
I am accepted.
I am beautiful.
I am precious.
I am redeemed.
I am a daughter.
I am a child of God.
I am loved.
I am blessed.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Well, as usual, I write a nice long post, and it gets swallowed up into cyberspace. Ish.
Proves my stupidity in thinking that I can trust anything of the virtual nature.

The idiots went to watch 300 again. Without me. Sigh....
I'm not very sure who's the stupid one in this case. Me for thinking that they would bother to wait for me to watch it again, or them for actually telling me they watched it again. Probably them coz they think they can pujuk me with Krispy Kremes. I mean, hello! Obviously I'm gonna eat the doughnuts ANYWAY. No, but seriously. Quite the pissed la. But oh well. You can't force ppl to care abt you. So, it's ok. Closing that chapter, and moving on.

The boys have found a new lover. The PS3. So, I'm guessing my TV watching is gonna be reduced significantly. Although I can force them to go next door. Oh well. We'll see.

Anyway, I was bored. So I just wanted to blog. =p

P.S. to those who commented on my previous post, I'm doing fine. Really. =) I'm sorry for making you all worried. Having an emo day. And I pai seh leh... you all actually replied. =p I know you ppl care. =) Love y'all.

Post E-Camp
Thursday, April 19, 2007

So, guess what? I am indifferent. Heh. Everybody else had such an amazing "WAHLAU!" experience at E-camp, and I'm just.... "Ho-hum". Like, what's wrong with me? How can the Spirit be there, and I didn't experience it? Is it just me? Coz I'm kinda wondering if we were even in the same camp. Sigh....have I become so jaded? So cynical? So skeptical? What's wrong with me?

Maybe I didn't participate enough. Maybe it's the hair. Honestly, nobody made efforts to sit nxt to me or anything. *boo=hoo* yeah, right. It's probably a sub-conscious thing la...I don't think ppl even realized, but yeah...for once, I went to a camp, and I feel like I didn't make a single friend. Seriously! Not to say I'm all that popular or something la...but I always walk away knowing quite a number of ppl la. Left out of the post-water-battle, nobody wants to camwhore with me. I actually walked around the field aimlessly. Nobody to sit nxt to at dinner, and after that the sessions also like, I gotta pick someplace to sit by myself coz I'm always going somewhere on my own. The only way I managed to get past those 4 days at E-camp was to pretend like I actually wanted to be alone. So I went to look out at the ocean. Which was kinda nice. Except that you feel lonely even when you're not alone. And if there's a biting wind, you can't stand looking out at the ocean for too long. Always looking back over your shoulder at the slightest noise, hoping there's someone who missed you, and came to look for you. But there's no one there.

This is like the story of my life la. I'm always the person who has to go looking for a friend. Nobody comes to me. You know what? I'm tired of making the effort la. Why am I so forgettable? Sampai no one wants to know me. Never made any lasting friendships in high school, no friends in uni. Nobody ever messages or calls me just to chat. Hell, even my housemates don't come over. I have to go nxt door. Best of all! They made plans to go to Melbourne without even telling me. Like, wth. And I found out from someone else. Which was even worse. It's exactly like the time they went to watch 300 without telling me. I mean, wth!!!!!!

What worries me most is not the fact that nobody made an effort, I guess. What worries me most is that I'm here, having a little pity-party for myself, instead of the old Qian who would've just gotten up, said, ok, you losers who don't wanna be my friend, who cares? I'm gonna make some friends who WILL enjoy my company. Coz I'm a great person, with a great personality, an infectious laugh, and a cheerful disposition. What has happened to me? Why do I give a damn? Why is it that my heart bleeds every time I get left out of something? Why am I not making an effort to make new friends? Sigh.... I guess I just value what I already have, and I don't wanna get in the way of other ppl's friendships. I mean, let's face it. At this age, most ppl have their cliques. You're the outsider. So just move on, and move out.

Well, that's me, I guess. Always trying to keep busy, always trying to fill the void. Find someone, a friend, a boyfriend, anything to occupy your mind with anything except the gaping emptiness you feel inside. In my mind, I know what is missing, so I seek for it in the way that I know how. But my heart still feels empty. When will I feel full? When will I be complete? Will I ever be satisfied or satiated? Why is it that I come knocking at Your door, begging you to come into my heart, but I feel as if there is no response? When will You answer my cry?

Psalm 142

I cry aloud to the LORD;
I lift up my voice to the LORD for mercy.

2 I pour out my complaint before him;
before him I tell my trouble.

3 When my spirit grows faint within me,
it is you who know my way.
In the path where I walk
men have hidden a snare for me.

4 Look to my right and see;
no one is concerned for me.
I have no refuge;
no one cares for my life.

5 I cry to you, O LORD;
I say, "You are my refuge,
my portion in the land of the living."

6 Listen to my cry,
for I am in desperate need;
rescue me from those who pursue me,
for they are too strong for me.

7 Set me free from my prison,
that I may praise your name.
Then the righteous will gather about me
because of your goodness to me.

Oh, Father. Hear my cry. Come and rescue me soon.

I DID IT!!!!
Thursday, April 12, 2007

So, I went for steamboat, I came back, gathered the housemates, and I did it! I finally shaved my head!

Before it all began.

Getting prepared....

Yeah, I think the boys had fun. The one time when you can cut hair, and not give a damn whether it was good or not. =p

Getting there. No, I'm not crying. I just wasn't sure what expression I should have. Mind you, I was in pain! Stupid daniel. Dunno how to shave hair. =p I think the clippers were partly to blame. Stupid Freddy. Gimme cacat clippers.

Messin around. Kinda cool, huh?

There we go. =)

Thanks for finally finishing it, Dan!

Bye-bye, hair!!! (Quite abit, huh?)

So, there you have it. Kind reminds me of Bai Ling in "Anna and the King, don't you think so?

This is what we do in Adelaide when we're bored. Act bodoh. =p

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

He said he's thinking about dating again.
He said his grandma approves of us breaking up.
He said he doesn't love me anymore.
He said he wants to marry soon.
He says that he can't date me anymore.
He says I'm not honest with him.
He says five weeks is too long.
He says we will never be.
He says he needs to look at his options.

I doubt I'll be dating anytime soon.
I think you should make your own decisions.
I still love you.
I hope you find "the one" for you, your grandma and your parents.
Forgive me.
I want us to be honest with one another.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
There was a time when you thought so.

Why do I do this to myself? Why do I love so deeply? Why must I feel so much? God, won't You just please, please, PLEASE, take it away?????????
I don't want to feel anymore. I don't want it! Leave me alone!!!!!!! Why can't you make it such that I'll just sleep and never wake to see another day filled with pain and loneliness? Why can't I be happy anymore?????????? WHY???????????????? I wanna go home, and yet I don't. I love my life, and yet I hate the pain that comes with it. WHAT DO YOU WANT?????????????????? Just be done with me!!!!! Oh, dear Lord....just lock up my heart so that I'll never love another man.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

So, I just finished watching the second season of Prison Break. My reaction? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How can it end like that???????? I really hope season 3 comes out soon!!!! I think there was only a 3 month gap between the end of the first season and the start of the second. So I'm crossing my fingers.

Anyway, just a random thought that occured today. Jason ends his term in Ireland sometime this year. Now, while I probably won't come into contact with him all that much, I realize that when all of us are back in KL, he might get involved in the picture. And it'll be back to square one on that drawing board. So all I could do was sigh. I mean, what else can I do, right? I can't stop people communicating with each other. I guess I just haven't totally forgiven him yet. Although there's really nothing to forgive. Why am I still so bitter? I suppose I'll always be jealous of the fact that I will never have the kind of friendship I had hoped for with him. Which is ok, I guess, except that it affects my friendship with other ppl. Which makes things awkward and uncomfortable. Sucks.

Aside from that, the sleepover was nice. Fun to talk abt girly stuff. But when the conversation turns to guys, I still feel....well. Nice to hear sweet stories. But what about me? I wish I were still 'entitled' to talk about them. But that's just dwelling on the past. And everybody hates that. You hate it. And other people around you hate it. Everybody gets tired of hearing THE story. Like, HELLO! Your story is over! It ended already! *Qian comes to a sad realization*

I had a thought today. I keep thinking about how I wish I had been nicer to Chiam. He deserved so much more. He was sweet, patient and kind. Even when he was angry, he was so patient, he never shouted, he never swore. I wish I had been more like him. How I must've hurt him... And I guess that somehow, I realize that while I loved him enough to marry him, I don't have the characteristics that would make a good wife. Someone who is selfless, patient, kind, respectful, gentle, loving. I'm none of those things. Sigh... There's a really nice picture of me and chiam one year ago just before he came to Adelaide. I don't have a digital image, so I had to take a picture of a picture.

Don't we look so happy there? (And extremely young. I look like I aged abt 5 years in one). I actually used to be a very cheerful and friendly person. Now, it takes great effort for me to meet new people, and I can hardly say that I'm cheerful. In fact, I'm like a walking wet blanket. Depressed, with gloomy thunderclouds above my head wherever I go. At least, I think so. Although a lot of people couldn't tell that I had undergone a break-up. Good acting skills, ey? ;)

To top all of these emotions off, I feel like I'm such a whiner. I don't know what's wrong. I feel as if I wanna talk, but I don't know what to talk abt. I'd feel like I'm complaining too much. As it is, I feel like I'm making such a big deal out of it. Half the time, I'm expecting someone to tell me to get over it, grow up, move on. So far, nothing of the sort has happened. None of my friends have proven to be so impatient or unkind. And yet, I expect them to be. Maybe I'M just impatient for me to get over it.

I also feel like, I should be contributing more. Taking up responsibility. I don't know if it's because the opportunity never came, the timing wasn't right, or I have to go looking for areas to serve. I mean, I don't wanna come across as arrogant. I mean, it's not like I'm gonna do such an amazing job. But I wanna contribute, I guess. Aish. I don't know what I want la. I want my life to be simple. God, can't you just speak in a booming voice, and tell me exactly what I should do? Either that, or give me more wisdom and discernment so I know what to do. Please. I need clear-cut instructions. That would be great. Add that to the wisdom of Solomon, and maybe the looks of Jessica Alba, and I've got it made. Perfect combination. *Cheesy smile*
Song of the moment:

We belong together

I didn't mean it
When I said I didn't love you so
I should have held on tight
I never should've let you go
I didn't know nothing
I was stupid
I was foolish
I was lying to myself
I couldn't have fathomed that I would ever
Be without your love
Never imagined I'd be
Sitting here beside myself

'Guess I didn't know you
'Guess I didn't know me
But I thought I knew everything
I never felt
The feeling that I'm feeling
Now that I don't
Hear your voice
Or have your touch and kiss your lips
'Cause I don't have a choice
Oh, what I wouldn't give
To have you lying by my side
Right here, 'cause baby

When you left
I lost a part of me
It's still so hard to believe
Come back baby please, 'cause
We belong together
Who else am I gonna lean on
When times get rough?
Who's gonna talk to me on the phone
Till the sun comes up?
Who's gonna take your place?
There ain't nobody better
Oh baby, baby
We belong together

I can't sleep at night
When you are on my mind
Bobby Womack's on the radio
Singing to me
'If you think you're lonely now'
Wait a minute
This is too deep, too deep
I gotta change the station
So I turn the dial
Trying to catch a break
And then I hear Babyface
I only think of you
And it's breaking my heart
I'm trying to keep it together
But I'm falling apart
I'm feeling all out of my element
I'm throwing things
Trying to figure out
Where the hell I went wrong
The pain reflected in this song
Ain't even half of what
I'm feeling inside
I need you
Need you back in my life (in my life, in my life), baby



[Repeat chorus]
When you left
I lost a part of me
It's still so hard to believe
Come back, baby, please, 'cause
We belong together
Who am I gonna lean on
When times get rough?
Who's gonna talk to me
Till the sun comes up?
Who's gonna take your place?
There ain't nobody better.
Oh baby, baby
We belong together

Loneliness that haunts the heart
Monday, April 02, 2007

The nights are the worst. After dinner, when I'm supposed to be doing work. When everyone's in their rooms watching movies, playing games, talking to their loved ones. When the weather's too cold to be sitting outside or walk to someone's house. And whose house would I go to anyway? When I feel so tired, so weary of trying to live, then I try to escape into sleep. The problem with that is, soon enough, you have to wake up again. Plus, you'll probably never get any work done.

So I tried looking for some quotes, to see if some poetic soul has felt the same pangs of loneliness as I. And I couldn't help but notice that just above the category for "Love" is Loneliness. Sigh... Maybe love will come my way again someday. But for now, loneliness is my shadow.


To dare to live alone is the rarest courage; since there are many who would rather meet their bitterest enemy in the field, than their own hearts in their closet. - Charles Caleb Colton

There is no greater sorrow than to recall in misery the time when we were happy. - Dante

We're all lonely for something we don't know we're lonely for. How else to explain the curious feeling that goes around feeling like missing somebody we've never even met? - David Foster Wallace

It is loneliness that makes the loudest noise. This is true of men as of dogs. - Eric Hoffer

Oh, sweet sorrow, the time you borrow, will you be here when i wake up tomorrow? - Katherine Wolf

Loneliness the clearest of crystal insight into your own soul, its the fear of one's own self that haunts the lonely. - Keith Haynie

There is no pleasure to me without communication: there is not so much as a sprightly thought comes into my mind that it does not grieve me to have produced alone, and that I have no one to tell it to. - Michel Eyquem De Montaigne

The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration. - Pearl S. Buck

And I look again towards the sky as the raindrops mix with the tears I cry. - Unknown

One may have a blazing hearth in one's soul, and yet no one ever comes to sit by it. - Vincent van Gogh

And now, from one of my favorite authors, Neil Gaiman, on love:

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

I really need to have a good cry. The bloody tears just won't come out.

I can go to Harvard too!

I'm not sure if I put up a post on this before, but I think this is hilarious. I also can go to Harvard lerr then... =p

I was curious whether this was for real, so I went to look it up. Check it.

Welcome to this hobbit's habitat. Yes, I am short, but I don't have furry feet, ok? thank you very much. I love to sing, and dance. Love coffee, and music (anything but heavy metal). Please leave comments!!!

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