Joylessness
Tuesday, September 11, 2007


I don't know how else to describe what I feel.
It's like I'm going through the break-up all over again.
How many of you know that I hate being alone? Yeah, I guess most of you know that by now.
I really HATE this feeling of loneliness. Maybe more than the loneliness itself is how unhappy being alone makes you feel.
What am I doing this for????????????????
Why put up boundaries and bother being a person of principle when it makes me so miserable??????????????
Sigh.... Oh Lord.... give me eyes to see what You see.
I could be happy. But temporarily. When will I truly be contented? When will I get over him????? ='(
I want to run away. Just curl up and die.

Sigh... I know I'm being an idiot. But... I thought the worst was over. Now I'm discovering that it's just begun. Now, I'm REALLY alone. No one to turn to. No where to hide. It's just me. And the gaping emptiness inside. Oh, when will I learn? When will I know? Lord, reveal Yourself to me.

C'MON GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't come all this way for nothing!!!!! *Bangs fist on table* I REFUSE to believe that You are not here, and that You are going to abandon me. WHERE got such thing??? Just because I don't feel You, doesn't mean that You're not there. Help my unbelief.
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I keep thinking I wanna find love. It's coz I want to feel something warm and fuzzy. But true love isn't a feeling. True love is a verb. An action. Love is a choice.

What I really need is to PERSEVERE. Man... it's hard to continue to work hard, to have faith and to press on, ESPECIALLY when everything else around you tells you that you're an idiot. Maybe God REALLY is gonna make me wait 40 years in the desert. Man... I don't think I can wait so long wei. *C'mon, Qian.... TRUST*
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Ok, that's it la. I can't pretend I'm ok. I'm not. I really feel like crap. I know I should have moved on. I know that I should have faith. I know that I should persevere. I know that God will prevail. But AT THIS MOMENT, I really feel like the pain is never going to end. All I want to do is bash my fist into the wall to release endorphins to help me deal with the pain. I want to cry. I want to release all this pent-up frustration. It's not like I'm trying to be something I'm not. I'm not pretending. I really do believe in those things above. But I'm also human. And all my human-ness is crying out for someone. People who die, who I'm not that close to causes me to cry buckets of tears because it reminds me of loss. Pavarotti. I'm not remotely close to the guy! I hardly even listen to his music. But to know that he's gone, woosh! Suddenly I'm flooded with emotions. Everything within me just wants to bash someone... crush something... run till I collapse. And MAYBE at the end of that, I'll find the release I've been looking for.

='(

2 Comments:

Blogger andrea said...

I know where ur coming from. I feel it too

September 12, 2007 at 7:47 PM

 
Anonymous Sarah said...

Hey..
Dun look inward..Look upwards

Praying for u :)

September 13, 2007 at 2:40 PM

 

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