My greatest fear is....
Sunday, June 24, 2007
It's a lonesome number.
Just when I think that I can't possibly be stripped of anything else, when I think that I've been stretched to my limit, God rips off another piece, another layer that I'm clutching onto with dear life. I feel like Eustace when he was a dragon, slowly scratching, peeling off a layer of skin at a time, and Aslan says, "I will have to clean you". And when he rips off the thick folds of dragon-skin, the pain is excruciating, causing Eustace to scream in agony. Yeah, well, it feels something like that.
I think that because
my greatest fear is loneliness, God is slowly stripping me of my security blankets. Chiam, family, the sisterhood, Yang. I thought that I was doing fine without a boyfriend. But after Yang's departure, I see now that I am still afraid. Fill the void. That's what I do best. Find a friend, a crush, a hobby. ANYTHING.
So now, I come to a crossroad. What do I do? Now that I know what God's answer is about the internship, my other option in Adelaide is PCOM. And I don't feel inclined to go to Paradise for some reason. Maybe it's the pre-conceived ideas I have about it. Maybe it's the fact that it's where Planetshakers was founded. So, my other options are: 1)go home; 2)go to Sydney.
Option 1 is tempting. But I don't feel my time in Australia is up just yet. Let's be honest, aight? My spiritual life has had many ups and downs. And I feel Edge has helped enhance my growth and my relationship with Christ a lot. But I don't want my relationship with God to be dependant on my location or the friends I'm surrounded with. The God I know here is the same God that is living and working in KL. I want to make sure that I develop skills, and increase my knowledge of Him that I may constantly be passionate about God and His people when I go back to KL. That's where bible college comes in.
Option 2 is just plain scary. It's expensive. Do I really want my parents to still pay for my education? Will I be able get a job and hold it down? What are people going to say? Will they think that I'm only going there because Paula recommended it? What about the cost of living? How long more do I wanna be a student? On the other hand, bible colleges in Sydney have better reviews. Mercy Ministries is there. BUT.... I'll be alone. Like, ALONE alone. I only know of two friends who are staying in Sydney. (Paula, Ben & Makenna count as one).
NO, GOD, NO!!!!! I cannot take anymore!!!!
I heard a very soft and gentle whisper.
And the voice which spoke said, "I
WAH!!!!!!! *floodgates opened*
I heard another whisper. "Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart and lean NOT on YOUR OWN understanding, in ALL your ways, acknowledge Him and He WILL make your path straight".
Remember what I told you, Qian? I know the plans that I have for you. Plans to give you a hope and a future. You know that I will be with you until the very end of the age. Trust me. You can call on me for help and I WILL hear your cry. I promise. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be scared; do not be discouraged, for I will be with you wherever you go. I helped you to be single again, didn't I? I helped you to live in Adelaide without your family. It's ok. I PROMISE that I will walk with you every step of the way. Nothing can happen to you without my permission. Ok?
Ok. *sniff sniff*
So have I decided? Yes and no.
I have decided that I will do what God asks me to do. Or permits to happen.
The life that I've built in Adelaide is not by my own doing. He blessed me with it. I LITERALLY have nothing to call my own. No money to my name, no car, no house, no boyfriend. Nothing. So, I graduate with nothing but my degree. That also only if I graduate. Will I make plans to go to Sydney? Yes. Unless God gives me a very clear sign that I should stay, I will make plans to go.
Am I comfortable in Adelaide? You bet I am. But God is not concerned with my comfort as much as He is about my character. Will it be uncomfortable in Sydney? I'm pretty sure it will be. Am I scared? Heh. *FREAK-OUT!!!* But...
"perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid... we have not fully experienced his perfect love" - 1 John 4:18