Sydney once more
Thursday, July 05, 2007
So, I find myself in Sydney yet again. 3 times in one year, I think that's pretty crazy. Considering I don't really fancy the city anyway. But it's alright. Maybe God will change my mind. Although I find that hard to imagine at this point in time.
So I come one big round in a very emotional fortnight. And what has happened? Too much and too little. Long story short, there are visa complications, and the only feasible option right now is to go home for a few months and start bible college in February. Who knows? Maybe God will make me wait 40 years in the desert before coming into the promised land. I've been forced to change my plans so many times in the last couple of weeks, that I just want to throw in the towel. I'm like, God, whatever la. You do what You wanna do. I'm too tired to do anything already. Seriously. When YOU have made a decision, then You tell me, ok? I'm done trying to figure You out.
*Jeng jeng jeng*
C'mon, Qian!!!!!! You're supposed to surrender already!!!! That was like, a month ago!!! What happened??? Faster la! Just give in only...
So now, I come to a new question. What is it to truly surrender? And not only that, I'm beginning to question whether I'm acting based on what I've heard from God, or what *I think* I've heard from God. Where does God actually begin and the voice in my head stop? I just figured that if it was a good thing, and I did that good thing with pure motives, God would be cool with it.
You know, some people get the thing wrong, so they gotta change direction. And some get the timing wrong, so they gotta wait. How did I manage to screw up both timing AND direction AT THE SAME TIME? So, God, are you telling me to go slow? to grow? or are You just plain outright saying "NO"? I would like to think that this is the right thing, but maybe I've got it all wrong. It's very clearly the wrong time because all the odds are against me.
O Lord, grant me Your peace, which passes all understanding. I'm begging You to hear my cry.
1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.
Yes, Lord, You are good to me.
I will remember.
I will hope.
Maybe, I'll see my rainbow today.