The courage to change
Sunday, July 01, 2007
Had an interesting chat with the housemates the other day. Girls are often confused about what men really want. And I'm sure the opposite is true as well. But in actual fact, it's very simple. Men want the best of both worlds. They want the sweet, gentle, submissive girl, who is a bad, bad girl in the bedroom. True? True. At least, that is what I understand from all the guys I've spoken to about it.
There's a whole long argument about whether girls are really good or bad, and I'm not gonna go into that. But I'll speak from my own humble experience (or lack of it). The thing is, I'd rather not lie about who I am, what I am, or how I feel. I'm not a holy-moly, goody-goody two shoes. I like to think of myself as "real". So I'm not gonna act all innocent and naive.
Does that make me bad? I suppose to a certain extent it does. But do I want to come across that way? Not really. I was mortified the other day, when my housemate said, "You're a virgin???" Like it was the most surprising thing ever, and I'm like, "What did I ever do to make you think otherwise?!?!?" *faints*
I can have an honest, open conversation about sex. But how does that translate into "I don't think she's a virgin"? I'm not blaming anyone here, but I'm quite disturbed. What kind of character do I display if I'm giving out this impression?
So what do I do? Do I keep quiet and not talk about sex at all? I think that may give a "holier-than-thou" kind of impression. And I want to be able to relate to other people. But at what expense? At the expense of my reputation? Do I think that this is a wise and healthy practice?
The truth is, I'm not holier than anyone. In fact, I'm probably "worse" than a lot of people. I've made my share of mistakes. But I don't want to remain this way. I want to be a woman of honour and integrity. Sigh... I hope I find a man one day, who won't be interested because I'm "sweet" or "sexy", but because I am a woman whose character would blow him away. To be a woman who is noble and wise, kind and generous, hardworking and gentle. A woman who has inner beauty and strength, and one who fears the Lord. Maybe when I can be that woman, I'll find my man.
But for now, perhaps I should be silent. For even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue (Proverbs 17:28).