The Hobbit

Maybe I'm not Crazy

Thursday, October 25, 2007

I came to a realization today.
I. Am. A. Control. Freak.
Guess who I wanted to control?
Yup, that's right.
God.

Of all the bodoh things, right?
Even though I may want good things, I can't demand that God give them to me.

I want to be more passionate. I want more joy. I need more patience, God! I want to feel loved, I don't feel You, I want to be closer, I want, I want, I want!!!! Faster!!! Why You're still not here wan??? You said if I come near, You will also be near what!!!!

Man.... I must sound like a total brat to God.

If you pick up Rick Warren's 'Purpose-Driven Life', the first line is this: "It's not about you". And people buy this book! It's madness, isn't it? And yet, so true. Sigh... Qian... when will you see?

My darling friend said, you CAN'T manipulate God. Although it is TRUE that God will draw near to you if you draw near to Him, He doesn't say WHEN.

Not only am I a control freak. I'm such an ungrateful being. Out of God's grace does He give good gifts. Who am I to demand them? They are, ultimately, a gift. How can I say that what He has given me thus far is not sufficient?

I am governed so much by my emotions, that I forget the truth. The truth that He IS there. Despite how I feel. And He loves me. And HE wants to reach out to ME.

For we walk by faith, not by sight. I have to trust that His timing is perfect.

Have you ever noticed...?

Friday, October 12, 2007

How you can never forget the things that you REALLY wanna forget?
Like...

Breakups
Embarrassing moments
Stupid things you said

I notice I tend to replay these things a lot in my head.
Which is why, probably those closer to me would have noticed, I sometimes talk to myself.
Usually it's to tell the other person (the person from my past [in my head] who made me feel bad) to shut up, or to tell my head to shut up totally.
My brother says I have a very sensitive spirit. I think he's right.
Read this to understand more. I think I fit squarely into that category.

Feelings of rejection (which are actually insecurities about my own abilities)
Negative self-talk
Inferiority complex
Lack of self-confidence
Haunted by my past.

Sounds like I'm totally psycho, right? But I don't think I'm alone in this. A lot of people go through the same stuff. Maybe not all at once, but at some point or other. Having said that, all these things are closely linked. So... you could be just like me. ;)

I'm not sure whether I lack a love of myself, or I need validation of other people's love for me.
In my head, I *know*there are people who love me. I just don't *feel* loved.
But should love for myself be dependent on whether others love me?
*smiles wryly*

Waterworks

Monday, October 08, 2007

The waterworks at Hobbit Sdn. Bhd. have been working overtime.

The hobbit is....

Saturday, October 06, 2007

Lonely
Depressed
Annoyed that she's lonely and depressed
Sad and forlorn
Grieving for the loss of a friendship
Annoyed that she's not happy
Irritated that she's still at square one
Missing friends in Adelaide
Amazed at how quickly men find new counter-parts
Stunned
Wondering if it was all a lie
Wondering if men are really jerks, or I'm just too boring
Thinking, maybe men don't leave women. Maybe they just leave me.
Not sure what her defining characteristics are. Everybody seems to have one except me.
Broken-hearted
Losing her mind
Thinking, maybe life just ain't worth living
Wishing that it would All. Just. Stop.

It's not about me.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Sarah: Don't look inwards. Look upwards.

Ps. Jonathan: Don't look at yourself. Focus on Jesus.

Erin: When you look at how beautiful God is, the beauty of the world just fades away.
______________________________________________

Well, I think it's about time I got the message.
So many people say that we should keep busy when we're trying to get over something/someone. But you can have a lot of busy-ness and your head is either numb or obsessing about the issue. Neither of which is healthy.

I've been miserable. But of course I'm miserable! I keep thinking about how freakin' miserable I am! Time for a change in perspective. Focus on the prize.

Focus, Focus, FOCUS!!!!!