Sigh....
Saturday, April 07, 2007


So, I just finished watching the second season of Prison Break. My reaction? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How can it end like that???????? I really hope season 3 comes out soon!!!! I think there was only a 3 month gap between the end of the first season and the start of the second. So I'm crossing my fingers.

Anyway, just a random thought that occured today. Jason ends his term in Ireland sometime this year. Now, while I probably won't come into contact with him all that much, I realize that when all of us are back in KL, he might get involved in the picture. And it'll be back to square one on that drawing board. So all I could do was sigh. I mean, what else can I do, right? I can't stop people communicating with each other. I guess I just haven't totally forgiven him yet. Although there's really nothing to forgive. Why am I still so bitter? I suppose I'll always be jealous of the fact that I will never have the kind of friendship I had hoped for with him. Which is ok, I guess, except that it affects my friendship with other ppl. Which makes things awkward and uncomfortable. Sucks.

Aside from that, the sleepover was nice. Fun to talk abt girly stuff. But when the conversation turns to guys, I still feel....well. Nice to hear sweet stories. But what about me? I wish I were still 'entitled' to talk about them. But that's just dwelling on the past. And everybody hates that. You hate it. And other people around you hate it. Everybody gets tired of hearing THE story. Like, HELLO! Your story is over! It ended already! *Qian comes to a sad realization*

I had a thought today. I keep thinking about how I wish I had been nicer to Chiam. He deserved so much more. He was sweet, patient and kind. Even when he was angry, he was so patient, he never shouted, he never swore. I wish I had been more like him. How I must've hurt him... And I guess that somehow, I realize that while I loved him enough to marry him, I don't have the characteristics that would make a good wife. Someone who is selfless, patient, kind, respectful, gentle, loving. I'm none of those things. Sigh... There's a really nice picture of me and chiam one year ago just before he came to Adelaide. I don't have a digital image, so I had to take a picture of a picture.



Don't we look so happy there? (And extremely young. I look like I aged abt 5 years in one). I actually used to be a very cheerful and friendly person. Now, it takes great effort for me to meet new people, and I can hardly say that I'm cheerful. In fact, I'm like a walking wet blanket. Depressed, with gloomy thunderclouds above my head wherever I go. At least, I think so. Although a lot of people couldn't tell that I had undergone a break-up. Good acting skills, ey? ;)

To top all of these emotions off, I feel like I'm such a whiner. I don't know what's wrong. I feel as if I wanna talk, but I don't know what to talk abt. I'd feel like I'm complaining too much. As it is, I feel like I'm making such a big deal out of it. Half the time, I'm expecting someone to tell me to get over it, grow up, move on. So far, nothing of the sort has happened. None of my friends have proven to be so impatient or unkind. And yet, I expect them to be. Maybe I'M just impatient for me to get over it.

I also feel like, I should be contributing more. Taking up responsibility. I don't know if it's because the opportunity never came, the timing wasn't right, or I have to go looking for areas to serve. I mean, I don't wanna come across as arrogant. I mean, it's not like I'm gonna do such an amazing job. But I wanna contribute, I guess. Aish. I don't know what I want la. I want my life to be simple. God, can't you just speak in a booming voice, and tell me exactly what I should do? Either that, or give me more wisdom and discernment so I know what to do. Please. I need clear-cut instructions. That would be great. Add that to the wisdom of Solomon, and maybe the looks of Jessica Alba, and I've got it made. Perfect combination. *Cheesy smile*
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Song of the moment:



We belong together

I didn't mean it
When I said I didn't love you so
I should have held on tight
I never should've let you go
I didn't know nothing
I was stupid
I was foolish
I was lying to myself
I couldn't have fathomed that I would ever
Be without your love
Never imagined I'd be
Sitting here beside myself

'Guess I didn't know you
'Guess I didn't know me
But I thought I knew everything
I never felt
The feeling that I'm feeling
Now that I don't
Hear your voice
Or have your touch and kiss your lips
'Cause I don't have a choice
Oh, what I wouldn't give
To have you lying by my side
Right here, 'cause baby

[Chorus:]
When you left
I lost a part of me
It's still so hard to believe
Come back baby please, 'cause
We belong together
Who else am I gonna lean on
When times get rough?
Who's gonna talk to me on the phone
Till the sun comes up?
Who's gonna take your place?
There ain't nobody better
Oh baby, baby
We belong together

I can't sleep at night
When you are on my mind
Bobby Womack's on the radio
Singing to me
'If you think you're lonely now'
Wait a minute
This is too deep, too deep
I gotta change the station
So I turn the dial
Trying to catch a break
And then I hear Babyface
I only think of you
And it's breaking my heart
I'm trying to keep it together
But I'm falling apart
I'm feeling all out of my element
I'm throwing things
Crying
Trying to figure out
Where the hell I went wrong
The pain reflected in this song
Ain't even half of what
I'm feeling inside
I need you
Need you back in my life (in my life, in my life), baby

[Chorus]

Baby!

[Repeat chorus]
When you left
I lost a part of me
It's still so hard to believe
Come back, baby, please, 'cause
We belong together
Who am I gonna lean on
When times get rough?
Who's gonna talk to me
Till the sun comes up?
Who's gonna take your place?
There ain't nobody better.
Oh baby, baby
We belong together

1 Comments:

Blogger andrea said...

hey...you know the season where Carrie first broke up with Big and Charlotte told her to take as much time to get over him? That's what I want you to do...you take as much time as you need k sweetie...Nobody has the rite to tell you to move on so quick...Unless ur still pining after 2 years, then u just take all the time you need

April 9, 2007 at 10:38 AM

 

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