Thursday, April 19, 2007
So, guess what? I am indifferent. Heh. Everybody else had such an amazing "WAHLAU!" experience at E-camp, and I'm just.... "Ho-hum". Like, what's wrong with me? How can the Spirit be there, and I didn't experience it? Is it just me? Coz I'm kinda wondering if we were even in the same camp. Sigh....have I become so jaded? So cynical? So skeptical? What's wrong with me?
Maybe I didn't participate enough. Maybe it's the hair. Honestly, nobody made efforts to sit nxt to me or anything. *boo=hoo* yeah, right. It's probably a sub-conscious thing la...I don't think ppl even realized, but yeah...for once, I went to a camp, and I feel like I didn't make a single friend. Seriously! Not to say I'm all that popular or something la...but I always walk away knowing quite a number of ppl la. Left out of the post-water-battle, nobody wants to camwhore with me. I actually walked around the field aimlessly. Nobody to sit nxt to at dinner, and after that the sessions also like, I gotta pick someplace to sit by myself coz I'm always going somewhere on my own. The only way I managed to get past those 4 days at E-camp was to pretend like I actually wanted to be alone. So I went to look out at the ocean. Which was kinda nice. Except that you feel lonely even when you're not alone. And if there's a biting wind, you can't stand looking out at the ocean for too long. Always looking back over your shoulder at the slightest noise, hoping there's someone who missed you, and came to look for you. But there's no one there.
This is like the story of my life la. I'm always the person who has to go looking for a friend. Nobody comes to me. You know what? I'm tired of making the effort la. Why am I so forgettable? Sampai no one wants to know me. Never made any lasting friendships in high school, no friends in uni. Nobody ever messages or calls me just to chat. Hell, even my housemates don't come over. I have to go nxt door. Best of all! They made plans to go to Melbourne without even telling me. Like, wth. And I found out from someone else. Which was even worse. It's exactly like the time they went to watch 300 without telling me. I mean, wth!!!!!!
What worries me most is not the fact that nobody made an effort, I guess. What worries me most is that I'm here, having a little pity-party for myself, instead of the old Qian who would've just gotten up, said, ok, you losers who don't wanna be my friend, who cares? I'm gonna make some friends who WILL enjoy my company. Coz I'm a great person, with a great personality, an infectious laugh, and a cheerful disposition. What has happened to me? Why do I give a damn? Why is it that my heart bleeds every time I get left out of something? Why am I not making an effort to make new friends? Sigh.... I guess I just value what I already have, and I don't wanna get in the way of other ppl's friendships. I mean, let's face it. At this age, most ppl have their cliques. You're the outsider. So just move on, and move out.
Well, that's me, I guess. Always trying to keep busy, always trying to fill the void. Find someone, a friend, a boyfriend, anything to occupy your mind with anything except the gaping emptiness you feel inside. In my mind, I know what is missing, so I seek for it in the way that I know how. But my heart still feels empty. When will I feel full? When will I be complete? Will I ever be satisfied or satiated? Why is it that I come knocking at Your door, begging you to come into my heart, but I feel as if there is no response? When will You answer my cry?
1 I cry aloud to the LORD;
I lift up my voice to the LORD for mercy.
2 I pour out my complaint before him;
before him I tell my trouble.
3 When my spirit grows faint within me,
it is you who know my way.
In the path where I walk
men have hidden a snare for me.
4 Look to my right and see;
no one is concerned for me.
I have no refuge;
no one cares for my life.
5 I cry to you, O LORD;
I say, "You are my refuge,
my portion in the land of the living."
6 Listen to my cry,
for I am in desperate need;
rescue me from those who pursue me,
for they are too strong for me.
7 Set me free from my prison,
that I may praise your name.
Then the righteous will gather about me
because of your goodness to me.
Oh, Father. Hear my cry. Come and rescue me soon.